Leave a Message at the Beep
by Natsyourlord
Summary: Who knew the cast of Harry Potter had cell phones? And who knew they could be so random? Hermione's being a stalker, Voldemort's back from the dead, and Luna's hosting a party to support endangered snorkacks! Told in voicemail messages, rated for safety.
1. Harry

I have always wanted to try this. So I'm going to. However I'm kinda busy with school and other fanfics and crap, so this will be more of a side fic. But I'm determined to see it to the end! I am! RAWR!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. All rights go to J K Rowling. And not me. Wah.

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**You've reached Harry. I'm obviously not here right now, so leave me a message and I'll get back to you. _-beep-_**

First new message: Hey, Harry. It's Ron. Hermione had some muggle pill - arousal, I think? Anyway, now she's chasing me in her underwear with a whip and she just won't stop! What do I do?!? _-beep-_

Second new message: Harry, it's Hermione. I'm trying to find Ronnie-kins, but he seems to be hiding from me! -high pitched giggle- If you know where he is, you'd better tell me before I get _angry!_ Hee hee hee- _-beep-_ _Message deleted._

Third new message: Hey, mate, it's Ron again. I'm hiding in a broom cupboard, but she's beating the door down. Help! _-beep-_

Fourth new message: Hi, Harry. It's Ginny. Listen, I can't find Ron anywhere. Do you know where he is? Love ya, call me back. _-beep-_

Fifth new message: She got in! Pick up your phone! Pick up your phone, mate, I - oh God. Is that a _hacksaw_? Augh! Get away from me! Get away!!! HARRY, HEL _-beep-_

Sixth new message: Hi, Harry. Hagrid here. Listen, the skrewts are gettin' outta control down 'ere, so I was wundrin if you could - OW - if you could come down 'ere and help me. Thanks! _-beep- Message deleted._

Seventh new message: Hello, foolish Potter boy. It's Lord Voldemort, haunting you from beyond the grave! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -cough- HAHAHA!!! I shall kill you, Harry Potter! I shall! You shall die a most painful death at the hands of ME, LORD VOLDEMO _-beep- Message deleted._

Eighth new message: Harry, it's Ginny. I was walking past a broom cupboard and could swear I heard Ron screaming, but the door was locked and _Alohamora_ won't work. I tried to find Hermione 'cause she's good at undoing these kind of spells, but I couldn't find her anywhere either. Call me back. _-beep-_

Ninth new message: Hey, mate... she got me... oh, I ache... listen, she did some pretty nasty stuff to me, and I don't mean the good kinda nasty... Ow, my arm... listen, I'm tied up in the cupboard. You gotta help me... Ow, that _stings_... while you're at it, could you check me into St. Mungo's? Thanks, Harry... Oh, no, she's coming back! Hurry, mate, hurry! _-beep-_

_

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_So how was it? Good? Bad? Vomit-worthy? Review! 


	2. Ron

Bwahaha. Ron's chapter.

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**Hello, you've reached Ron Weasley. I can't take your call right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll get back to you. And Malfoy, my last name is WAY cooler than yours! So ha, take that! Yeah, that's right, go wallow in sorrow. _-beep-_**

First new message: Hi, Ron, it's Harry. Which broom closet are you in? I can't find you anywhere. Call me. _-beep-_

Second new message: Hello, Ronald. -sigh- It's Luna. Luna Lovegood. I'm having a party to raise money for endangered snorkack sub-families. They're very shy, you know. Deforestation does sometimes cut into their habitat. Please RSVP me if you are going to come. _-beep-_

Third new message: Ron, it's Ginny. Are you hiding in a broom cupboard on the fourth floor, and if you are, why are you screaming? Call me back. _-beep-_

Fourth new message: It's me, Harry. I can't find you! You have to call me back! _-beep-_

Fifth new message: This is Draco. You're wrong, it's not me whose name is stupid, it's you. Come on! Weasley! That's the most pathetic name in the book! It's like saying, _oh, yes, my last name is Weasley. Because I'm a pathetic little -beep- Message deleted._

Sixth new message: Hi, Ronnie-kins, it's me. I came back to that broom cupboard where we were having oh so much fun, but you weren't there! Did you get Harry to release - I mean, play with you? Because if you did, I'll just have to... teach him a lesson. Hmph. Call me, sweetness! _-beep- Message deleted._

_-beep-_

First old message: Ronnie-kins! It's me, Hermione! I can't find you anywhere! Come on, I need you! I feel soooo hot right now... oh God, Ronnie, where are you? WE NEED TO HAVE ANGRY SEX, DAMMIT!! AND I SWEAR TO GOD_ -beep- Message deleted._

Second old message: It's Draco Malfoy. I demand that you change your voicemail immediately! _-beep-_

Third old message: Hi, Ron, Ginny here. Is Luna asking you about some sort of party for snorkacks? They don't exist! Why doesn't she realize that?! Call me.

Fourth old message: Ronnie, I know you're behind that door! Come out, snuggles!!! _-beep- Message deleted._

Fifth old message: RONNIE, I _-beep- Message deleted._

_

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_Woo! End of chapter two! Next up, Hermione!

Please review!


	3. Hermione

Tee hee, Hermione. Hey, that rhymed!

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**You've reached Hermione Granger. I'm out stalking Ron or something, so please leave a message and I'll - OOH, RONNIE-KINS! _-beep-_**

First new message: Hermione! It's Harry! Listen, call me back and tell me where you are. Ginny and Neville and I are trying to hunt you down. Did you OD or something? -_beep-_

Second new message: Hey, Hermione? This is Ginny. You actually held Ron in a closet against his will and pretty much raped him! Woo-hoo! But, seriously, I think you took too much medication. He's practically dead in the hospital... Anyway, call me back. Harry says we need to tie you down or something... _-beep-_

Third new message: It's Harry again. Where the hell are you? _-beep-_

Fourth new message: This is Luna Lovegood. I am hosting a party for endangered snorckacks. It would be oh so lovelye if you could attend it _-beep- Message deleted._

Fifth new message: Hermione. It's Ron. Do you have any idea what you did to me? Augh... I can't feel my toes! Or my ears! STAY AWAY FROM ME, DEVIL WOMAN! _-beep-_

Sixth new message: This is Luna Lovegood. Again. It would truly be wonderful if you would come to my _-beep- Message deleted._

_-beep-_

First old message: This is Ron, Hermione. Please stop beating down the door... oh, dear God, PLEASE STOP! _-beep-_

Second old message: Hermione, it's Ginny... hey, I'm having trouble unlocking a door... I think Ron's inside... can you help me? Thanks. _-beep-_

Third old message: Granger. Draco Malfoy here. Get your twit of a boyfriend to change his bloody answering message. Or ELSE. _-beep-_

Hehe... I kind of forgot about this... Sorry.

Next shall be Ginny!


End file.
